Motherhood and I were two words that could never find themselves in the same sentence in my dictionary, at least I thought. I have friends that have always had the whole motherhood thing nailed down to a “T”, well not this girl. True I would flirt with the idea of marriage from time to time; a husband, a big house with a perfect white picket fence and two kids, a boy and a girl toddling around. Looking back,those were images that were ingrained in my brain from all the television watching and the reading. I didn’t own the dream, it was merely someone’s story projected to me.
What I owned and always wanted, and had a strong conviction about however was the idea, the dream of being happy. However fluid the definition maybe, I always knew deep down, wished and prayed for peacefulness,contentment and abundant joy in my life. Whether those were brought on by marriage, kids, traveling, food, I hadn’t quite figured that out, but I had figured out the end result…..Happiness.
The day my son was born, my husband and I had to drive for over 150km to get to the hospital, to my gynaecologist. After being admitted and strapped up, probed and all, the nurse exclaimed, “You are only 1 cm dilated my darling, if you we’re not from this far, I would send you home to rest”. Thank goodness for that because I was not going to agree to being sent home. This boy,had to come out and today, not a day later. I had initially been given the due date of the 10th April, with the normal 2 weeks before or 2 weeks after possibility,but I had poisoned my mind into believing that the boy would come in the 2 weeks prior to the due date and when that hadn’t happened, I nearly lost It. You see, the mind believes what it wants to believe. I am even ashamed to mention the number of times I woke my poor husband up in the middle of the night to rush to the hospital because “I was in labour” or “I hadn’t heard the baby move in a while”. Gone were all my days of reading and researching. I had totally forgotten of the concept Braxton Hicks. Any and every minor discomfort had to be labour pains.
Anyway, after a long and slow labour with a lot of drama (story for another post maybe) my son made his entrance into the world,LOUDLY SO,but for some weird and inexplicable reason, I was overcome by a sudden quiet and calmness. Everything just seemed to be still and went by in 60’s-movies-black-and-white,slow motion. A few hours later when the nurses came to bring my son to me for nursing, I felt like I was having an out of body experience still. Completely out of it. No feelings of whatever kind, no sense of urgency, just floating somewhere in space, until i saw him. The little squishy, pink face and those kitten like fists. I had some emotion now except I still couldn’t explain it, but I knew I was more alive and present in me than I was a few minutes before, and the few hours since the birth. As all mothers would say, “I would never be the same person afterwards”
Prior to baby,I travelled, near and far,bought pair after pair of shoes and I was happy. Very happy. I still love exploring new places, except, I now do it as part of a family, and my travels are as much about having fun and soaking up the sun with my husband as they are about creating beautiful memories for the little man. My happiness, utter joy was overnight defined by the one thing I never cared about. The one thing I never cared to think about,the farthest thing on my mind….Motherhood.
As much as a girl should still look good and take care of herself,No amount of shoes can fill the joy vault inside me now. I find nothing more fulfilling than the joy of motherhood,those innocent eyes, the Infectious gummy smile, the uncensored love and joy he beams towards me. How this little 2 toothed creature has me wrapped around his little pinkie still baffles me.
I am not questioning, and I am not complaining, I am merely grateful that the creator chose to use me as a vessel to incubate to life and mother through life, this little being. That he trusted me with the gift and blessing of giving life…For that I will forever be humbled and grateful.
Happy mothers Day.